For those of you who have read the past few blogs posts, you know I’ve been struggling lately with depression brought on by the long, bleak winter days. I’ve been trying to pull myself out of the mire, but I just couldn’t do it this time. Life felt black and heavy.
In my last post on this topic, I asked God to cut deep and cut swift. He answered the cries of my heart the very next night. Last night. I’m in awe of how much my God loves me.
We had home group last night (when a group of Christians gather in a home to fellowship and study the Bible) and we continued studying Esther. I love the book of Esther. You can really see the various character flaws and strengths in each of the characters. Take Haman for instance. This was one prideful and cunning dude. His hatred of the Jews and his pride were his downfall. But, you’ll have to read it yourself. Have I mentioned Esther is a great story?
Anyway, after we studied a few chapters and discussed them, we prayed for one of the group members. I felt like I should ask for prayer for my struggle with SAD and for my desire to write for publication. I hated to admit I had a problem with this form of depression (or any form really). I like to be the one who has her life together or at least looks like she does. I was afraid to put myself out there in a vulnerable situation.
Do you see what this line of thinking is? It’s pride. Just call me Haman. Seriously, what a fool I was being. I humbled myself and spoke up. I told them what was going on and asked if they would pray. The emotion clogged my throat and I fought tears. They had me sit in what we affectionately call the ‘hot seat’ while they gathered around to pray. Humbling. Vulnerable.
One woman began praying and I managed to keep the tears from flowing – barely. But my body began to shake like crazy. It does that when my nerves are strummed tight. It’s embarrassing, but what can I do?
Then her husband spoke a scripture that came to him and I bawled. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. God reached through this man and touched my heart. He broke me.
Others prayed. A word came to someone. An image came to another. Every single prayer, word, image was spot on for what I’d been desperately praying to God about. I’d felt disconnected from God. Last night, He let me know loud and clear that not only did he hear the cries of my heart, but He was answering them. He cut deep and He cut swift right to the heart and broke me.
Today, I’m overjoyed. His love for me, His daughter, is overflowing and I’m delighting in Him. He really loves me. What more do I need? He completes me.
I want to speak to you a moment if you will indulge me. You might be sitting there wondering if God hears you; if he loves you. You might be struggling and hurting. I’ve not really understood the depth and breadth of God’s love and honestly, I don’t think any of us are truly capable of knowing that. How do you measure the immeasurable?
God does love you and He hears you. You are precious and He wants to free you. Today. Right now. Get before His throne and pour out your heart before Him. Allow Him to break you and then fill you. God never fails and His love endures forever.